How A Chair Helped Me Realize I Had Financial Anxiety

TW: Mentions passive suicidialty and passive self-harm.

So, I am passionate about movies, and random movie quotes and references are my love language. One movie that I particularly adore is The Wedding Singer, starring Adam Sandler. However, one night, when my partner and I decided to re-watch this amazing film, I could not focus on my favorite scene. The one where Adam Sandler sings about his Ex. (You know the one).

This was unusual for me since I’m always swimming in thoughts., such as “Did I turn off my computer?” or “Did I say the right thing to my client?” or even “What am I going to do in the next few days?” These are the typical thoughts that occupy my mind at the end of the day. On that particular night, I was drowning and choking by them. It was a feeling I hadn’t experienced since my college days when I was experiencing panic attacks. However, instead of a panic attack, I found myself gripping the chair handles and picking at the lining and stitching, as if I were the protagonist from Get Out, desperately trying to break free.

My partner sensed that something was wrong and asked if I was okay. I responded with a short and almost annoyed tone, “Yes, I’m okay,” but deep down, I knew I wasn’t. I was tired and embarrassed because I had been thinking about my finances for my private practice for the past two hours.

At that time, I was about to reach my first year as the sole owner of my private practice, TODOS Therapy. It was a significant milestone for me. I had left my toxic non-profit job during the pandemic and made the decision to open a virtual practice in my studio apartment. I was burnt out and left impulsively, knowing I needed to make a change. However, I didn’t feel like celebrating because I was barely making ends meet. Regardless of what I tried, my caseload remained dangerously low. I was even considering giving up and applying for a job at Kaiser. Despite the rumors and chimse about their unethical practices towards clients, I was willing to overlook these things for the sake of healthcare benefits and a steady paycheck.

Just as I was about to update my resume and contact my references, I paused and engaged in a “Name It, To Claim It” exercise. I knew, on some level, that what I was experiencing was anxiety. However, my usual thoughts of doom and gloom were typically centered around my physical health. Like many of us in 2021, I was deeply concerned about COVID, and my social anxiety tendencies weren’t hindering my daily functioning but they were slightly elevated. But this was new for me because my thoughts were filled with doom and gloom about my finances. I was placing an excessive amount of importance on every dollar and cent as if they were the sole indicators of my success and meaning in my life. And with every dollar, it felt like I was justifying my decision to leave my non-profit job.

I knew something needed to change, so I did what I usually do when faced with a new symptom: I turned to Google and YouTube. And there it was, a simple phrase that perfectly summarized what I was going through — financial anxiety. My burnout symptoms only exacerbated this anxiety. I delved into a rabbit hole of interventions and coping skills for dealing with financial anxiety. I started reading books and following individuals on social media who discussed financial literacy. However, this only made things worse. I found myself having crying spells and panic attacks whenever I had to look at my bank account. I felt depressed and isolated, and old familiar thoughts of suicide and self-harm resurfaced. I had spent years working on and challenging those thoughts during my 20s, and I genuinely believed they would never return in my 30s. But here they were.

Realizing that relying solely on self-help wasn’t enough, I took a leap of faith and reached out for help. This decision led me to seek assistance from experts who could support me on my journey. I hired two coaches: one specialized in business and confidence, and the other in finances.

The business coach played a crucial role in helping me develop my brand and providing support throughout my fitness journey. On the other hand, the financial coach helped me confront and address my anxiety about money. Both coaches recognized that I was also struggling with emotional and mental barriers rooted in my past.

It was during a conversation with my financial coach that something clicked for me. She mentioned the term “financial trauma,” which prompted me to conduct further research. I discovered that many of my symptoms aligned with this concept. My anxiety and history of depression were compounded by my current circumstances and future prospects. Additionally, my mind and body were still responding to past experiences. The episodes that felt like panic attacks were actually dissociative episodes, and I struggled to recognize that I was no longer in a situation where money was unpredictable.

The shame I felt stemmed from an expectation to conform to capitalist ideals that I couldn’t meet. Although the process was intense, I was determined not to let these detrimental thoughts consume me.

As I made progress in my overall well-being, I noticed similar struggles in my clients, friends, and even financially secure family members. This type of anxiety drains our energy and affects us all. This inspired me to become part of the conversation. I wanted to share my journey and create a safe, non-judgmental space for others to discuss money. My goal was to help people process their financial trauma and anxieties beyond just budgeting and making more money. I wanted to listen to their money stories and help them identify the barriers holding them back, whether they were symptoms, judgments, or mistakes they had made. This was how Awkward Money was born, and it all started with a single chair.

Through this platform, I aim to share my own experiences, insights, and strategies for managing financial anxiety. I believe that by fostering an open dialogue and providing support, we can break the stigma surrounding money and mental health, empowering individuals to take control of their financial well-being.

If you, like me, find yourself grappling with the burdens of financial anxiety, please remember that you are not alone in this struggle. It is okay to ask for help and seek support from professionals who specialize in this area. Together, we can navigate the challenges, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and ultimately find peace and stability in our financial lives.

If you want to live without financial anxiety, feel free to schedule a free consultation with me. You can schedule a free consultation using this link.